Life

Friends Are For Keeps

Christmas has never been meaningful to me until this year. It’s not about the gifts, the parties, not even the food which made this time of the year remarkable (though all of these are certainly wonderful). What made this year’s Christmas special: My realization that friends are truly one of the most wonderful thing one could ever have in this world.

FriendsFinal

I am a self-proclaimed Christmas Grinch since, well, I don’t remember when. This is one of the annual celebrations I faithfully wish to skip if possible. Why? Because it’s vomitingly overrated.

I know that Christmas is one of the most important celebrations of the religion I believe in. Maybe some are already getting their gigantic forks ready to spear me and burn me to hell with my remark “Christmas is vomitingly overrated.” But why is it overrated for me? Because most people treat it as feast and feast alone – No meanings (aside of course that Jesus was born), just feast. Ask some people why they like Christmas, first thing one could say would be because of food overload. Next might probably be the Christmas bonus. Next might be the gifts, and so on for the material and uber shallow stuff. But how many people would answer something about togetherness, or as simple as because it’s one of those perfect moments to realize something in life? And there it is, I became a Christmas Grinch, and that’s sad and annoying.

This Christmas, although I am not so liking it, I had one of the greatest realizations ever. I know it sounds corny and over-acting. But really, I am very thankful to realize how important friends are and how fortunate I am to have such friends. All of them. Interesting thing about this whole realization: I realized it during a party. in a bar. Nice.

This year, I realized how friends will stand by you whatever it is you are into. Friends will be there for you through thick and thin (may that be figuratively, literally, or physical-wise. haha). Friends will stay by your side even you think you are the most useless person on earth. Friends will try their best to keep you sane during your near-death-oh-so-depressing thoughts. Friends will look for you whenever you are missing (like “missing” – literally). Friends will gladly listen and give you the most honest advise you could get on your no-solution problem, even if you have told the same no-solution problem over and over. And the best part of it all, friends won’t give you something big to expect and later on have something to be disappointed at. God knows how many more reasons why its’s best to love your friends, and I am very glad I have found some of those reasons this year. That is the best gift I received this Christmas (even if I am Grinch-ing it, thank God).

To all my friends, I love you. Like really. I’ll forever be thankful to have you guys. You are all the best bunch of people a person could ever have. Thank you for the fun year – party nights, random coffee nights (and dawns), cheap and pricey dinner (or breakfast), and all the priceless memories. Okay this might sound so cheesy already, but I love you all (I hope I made myself clear enough on how I love all of you) and thank you from the bottom of my heart (surprise, I have a heart! Chosz). Seriously. xoxo

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Dear Friend, This Is About Me & Charlie

This week I watched The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I’ve been waiting for this movie since its trailer come out. I did not get excited mainly about the stars (which others did). What I was after is the story, and how the movie gives justice to the book. I am a big fan of the book for a lot of reasons. Maybe one big reason is I, somehow, relate to Charlie’s thoughts.

Conformist. Maybe I am like that most of the time. I am boring, non-sense, the one you wouldn’t really care to lose from your set of friends. Usually I am just there, observing. A wallflower just like Charlie. I don’t really air out my thoughts easily. I usually keep my thoughts to myself as long as I can, or maybe until the need “to air out” arises. It’s not my way to ask help with things happening around me. Maybe because it’s not easy for me to trust. See right now, I have  lot of friends: Close friends, office friends, highscool and college friends. But if you ask me who among these people know the deepest thoughts I have, maybe I can’t name even a single one.

I once found someone whom I trust. But just like Charlie’s friends, they need to go to do things for themselves. I really want this person to stay but changes need to happen. I always thought we were on the same page at a certain phase, but I was wrong. I am just there, good as a spare tire maybe. Like I said, I am a kind of person you wouldn’t care to lose from the list of important people in your life. These things, I don’t really know why I’m saying it here. Maybe because I just need to air it out. Too bad I don’t have a “person whom I could really trust.” I need to tell these maybe because it’s too much for me already, and here it is, the need “to air out” arise.

You may find this thing bullshit you know. I mean, you may say “Why is this person telling about trust, but anyways air out her thoughts on a blog?” Yeah, I know. But you know the feeling of being “real” in a crowd you barely know and you don’t have emotional attachment with? The feeling that it’s easier to tell things you kept for a while to yourself to these people, than tell things to those people you knew well and give them trust that they can, someday, break and hurt you. And when I say hurt, you just want to kill yourself because you are having too much  of it. Again, just like Charlie.

Typing this whole crap without crying is difficult you know. But I’m trying. And off we go.

I’m living my life one day at a time. That means, I may have plans for the future but maybe good for the next 3 months. Let me share to you one thing. One day, as I was walking in a mall, an insurance agent approached me. So a few questions went on and we sat down for few get to know stuff (which bored and pissed me a lot. I am so pissed, I was really rude answering her questions. Anyways…) One the things the agent asked me to do is to put 5 things I need to have or I hope to accomplish in 5 to 10 years (I somehow like that my memory sucks, but I think the activity is something like that). She gave me five minutes, then went on to ten or more because out of  5 things, I was only able to put 2. That is to have a car or a house, and to be fucking rich. She asked me why I only have 2, and started to fish out answers from me. I don’t know if it’s her or the topic which got to my nerves, but I just apologized for not being interested, and I walk off. That is the most non-sense one hour of my life. Why do people always tell me to have plans for my future? Can’t they just accept the fact that I don’t have plans? I have few reasons which may sound alibis to some, but this reasons really matters to me. Let’s see…  Maybe I can say some.

One. Ever since I have proven that I don’t matter to most people, I started to living my life one day at a time. Less expectations, less chance of hurting myself. Plain and simple.

Two. I don’t really dream of living a long life. It’s hard to go on with life without someone whom you could really trust and be happy with, you know. Once an old man told me that smoking takes away something minutes of your life, blahblahblah… something sticks a day. He told that to me while I was smoking. I was just, “C’mon man I really want to spit on your face! Seriously? Telling that to me like my dad? Hello! What would you do if I smoke pot in your face?” People like this, they need to have a sense of privacy, and sensitivity. It should be: I don’t know you old man, you don’t know me either. Let’s not make our day bad, because I already got an overdose of bad days. Just give this fucking smoking time to me.

Three. I got so much of life’s shit. I got tired of planning. Seriously, this is my lowest point. EVER. This is record breaking. As the book The Great Gatsby says: “The loneliest moment in someone’s life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly.” Some say this thought is impossible because they claim that you can do things not to let that happen. Let me tell you this: What if your world means a person you really love? Planned your future with this person, spent years together like perfect lifetime partners. There are flaws, but minimal. You loved each other. But one day, this person you love changed, and left you because you’re okay to lose. Now your problem is getting this person back. How would you fucking do that if the person doesn’t want you in his/her life? Worst, you wake up that you are now fucking replaced! And you can’t go for other people to find a lost love because even if you’re trying to, you always go back to that same person, even if you fucking hate it to happen. You just watch your life fall apart right? Because you can’t always have control over your life. See how this life’s so fun?

I can go on with my reasons but this topic makes me vomit. Now back to Charlie. I hope the last scene on the movie happens to me. To feel infinite with the person I could really trust and after so much fun, won’t have the guts to just leave me there. Helpless for the Nth time. I know how dramatic it is to say “I’m always the one being left alone.” But you know, you’ll never  understand how it really feels until you find yourself in there.

A Letter To Myself

Forgive me for posting this kind of content on my blog. I know it’s “emo-ish” but I just need this.

Dear self after 5 years,

I hope you are doing good now – Successful career, warm love of family, and a fixed self. You’ve come a long way from being a simple high school kid to a person who has a better understanding in life. Life sucks if you would let it suck you, but it’s not that easy not to get yourself sucked – That’s a proven fact of life.

I’ve known you too well. No one or nothing can ever hurt you than being hurt by someone you really love. Being hurt by them highlights the fact that a big part of you could only depend on yourself, may that be in terms of happiness, love, hardships and disappointment. Despite of it all, I always admire your courage to love, regardless of boundaries and uncertainty. You love someone, spend years together but always comes down to an end. It happened twice, and I understand it’s a big downer but feeling loved is the best thing one could ever have.

Remember the time you realized that the person you’re with is the same person you stalked one afternoon after your class? That person is not even enrolled yet on your school, but then after a few months you just happened to know you are already dating. That was just amazing. Somehow you thought that it was fate that brought you together, and sticking on that idea made you believe that this relationship is something that should happen. And yes it happened, but also ended.

One night while I am trying to sleep after the day’s work, I realized that this room I am into is the same place you spent your best and worst days together with the one you love. I remember you both spending the afternoon together watching movies, or plainly talking about gossips on people you both know or on celebrities. Then I decided to pan on my right. I saw a picture of the two of you smiling while riding a bicycle in the city where you found each other. You looked both very happy. Then I panned on my left. It was a yellow wall – your love’s favorite color. Then I decided to go down to the living room to spend the night and sleep.

Upon waking up, I am staring on this mid-sized mirror while brushing my teeth. It reminded me of another thing again. I smiled, put my head down, and walked out. Too many memories, and it worries me of you.

I know you kept a lot of good memories together, but I hope you have started putting all those memories in a temporary safe case part of your brain, and trashed all the bad ones. I hope you also have tried placing them all in that area, cherish them and keep the keys safe, so that whatever happens, may it be a severe loss of memory or whatever, you have some happy thoughts to remember and prove that you live a real life and that you experienced to love and be loved.

In five long years, two years would be better, I really hope you have made yourself fixed – No pretensions, no denials, no arcade games to cover all these things up, just happiness.

Love,
Pau (2011 )

Ideal world of the good and the bad

At one point, I asked myself why not-so-good things happen to a not-so-bad person. There are other people who deserve more of a punishment than the good ones – by that, I mean good compared to a snatcher, burglar, arsonist, murderer, and so on… Don’t the good people deserve a better life here on earth that the bad guys?

People say that good people will have a better life in their next life. May it be a life after they are reincarnated or life after death – when they are already in heaven. But does that mean they don’t have a chance to live a better life while they are still here on earth?

I am completely aware that being perfectly good is far reachable as we live life here on earth, wherein temptations are everywhere and sins are very much reachable. But I hope punishment depends on how better a person you are. I know that I am talking impossible here, because life don’t take sides, and it has been working that way for a long time already – as in ever since the concept of good and bad existed. I just wish life works the way I imagine it. If that will happen, people who violate rules, laws, ordinances, constitutions and commit a crime will have no way escaping the consequences, since we will have natural laws anyway.

On the side, as I am imagining my perfect world of good and bad, I sketched something. I love monsters. But I like them being portrayed the same way as people – some are good and some are bad. I like to believe that not all monsters are bad. Some of them are good and some have great heart. Here it is.

Let’s try to live life the fullest!

HATE me baby one more time

Two crappy weeks and (looks like) running. I am desperate. I am sick and tired of going through all of these things over…and again. You see, I don’t get it. I kept on doing my part, but someone is messing it all up. My plans never (as in NEVER) went as it should be. Because of that, what else could I do? – Well, stare at a blank sheet of paper, and find words on how to blurt out all he bitterness I have in my hopeless life.

Yes, maybe no one understands me every time I am sobbing over this lame thing – a thing that most of my age making it also their issue. To some, they thought that this is just a phase in life and should not be given an over-actingly attention and reaction. Well, let me tell you this: If you know you are considered a member of any social minority, and you can not also be good at anything…you must know that your future will not be dead – just doomed.

Acceptance is a big issue for me. That is mainly because I know that I am a minority. No one’s ever going to understand, accept and look at me normally if I won’t be good at anything. I can assure you of that. Accept the fact that people are naturally judgmental, until you prove them wrong.

Most people say that I am still young to achieve my dreams. I say: How come there are some people out there who already reached their goals at this “young” age? My bottom-line is this: if some people managed to do it, why can’t I? In addition, it is also very depressing to know that a lot of people are in a place where they shouldn’t be in.

Time is running out for me. And the clock is ticking fast.