Dear Friend, This Is About Me & Charlie

This week I watched The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I’ve been waiting for this movie since its trailer come out. I did not get excited mainly about the stars (which others did). What I was after is the story, and how the movie gives justice to the book. I am a big fan of the book for a lot of reasons. Maybe one big reason is I, somehow, relate to Charlie’s thoughts.

Conformist. Maybe I am like that most of the time. I am boring, non-sense, the one you wouldn’t really care to lose from your set of friends. Usually I am just there, observing. A wallflower just like Charlie. I don’t really air out my thoughts easily. I usually keep my thoughts to myself as long as I can, or maybe until the need “to air out” arises. It’s not my way to ask help with things happening around me. Maybe because it’s not easy for me to trust. See right now, I have  lot of friends: Close friends, office friends, highscool and college friends. But if you ask me who among these people know the deepest thoughts I have, maybe I can’t name even a single one.

I once found someone whom I trust. But just like Charlie’s friends, they need to go to do things for themselves. I really want this person to stay but changes need to happen. I always thought we were on the same page at a certain phase, but I was wrong. I am just there, good as a spare tire maybe. Like I said, I am a kind of person you wouldn’t care to lose from the list of important people in your life. These things, I don’t really know why I’m saying it here. Maybe because I just need to air it out. Too bad I don’t have a “person whom I could really trust.” I need to tell these maybe because it’s too much for me already, and here it is, the need “to air out” arise.

You may find this thing bullshit you know. I mean, you may say “Why is this person telling about trust, but anyways air out her thoughts on a blog?” Yeah, I know. But you know the feeling of being “real” in a crowd you barely know and you don’t have emotional attachment with? The feeling that it’s easier to tell things you kept for a while to yourself to these people, than tell things to those people you knew well and give them trust that they can, someday, break and hurt you. And when I say hurt, you just want to kill yourself because you are having too much  of it. Again, just like Charlie.

Typing this whole crap without crying is difficult you know. But I’m trying. And off we go.

I’m living my life one day at a time. That means, I may have plans for the future but maybe good for the next 3 months. Let me share to you one thing. One day, as I was walking in a mall, an insurance agent approached me. So a few questions went on and we sat down for few get to know stuff (which bored and pissed me a lot. I am so pissed, I was really rude answering her questions. Anyways…) One the things the agent asked me to do is to put 5 things I need to have or I hope to accomplish in 5 to 10 years (I somehow like that my memory sucks, but I think the activity is something like that). She gave me five minutes, then went on to ten or more because out of  5 things, I was only able to put 2. That is to have a car or a house, and to be fucking rich. She asked me why I only have 2, and started to fish out answers from me. I don’t know if it’s her or the topic which got to my nerves, but I just apologized for not being interested, and I walk off. That is the most non-sense one hour of my life. Why do people always tell me to have plans for my future? Can’t they just accept the fact that I don’t have plans? I have few reasons which may sound alibis to some, but this reasons really matters to me. Let’s see…  Maybe I can say some.

One. Ever since I have proven that I don’t matter to most people, I started to living my life one day at a time. Less expectations, less chance of hurting myself. Plain and simple.

Two. I don’t really dream of living a long life. It’s hard to go on with life without someone whom you could really trust and be happy with, you know. Once an old man told me that smoking takes away something minutes of your life, blahblahblah… something sticks a day. He told that to me while I was smoking. I was just, “C’mon man I really want to spit on your face! Seriously? Telling that to me like my dad? Hello! What would you do if I smoke pot in your face?” People like this, they need to have a sense of privacy, and sensitivity. It should be: I don’t know you old man, you don’t know me either. Let’s not make our day bad, because I already got an overdose of bad days. Just give this fucking smoking time to me.

Three. I got so much of life’s shit. I got tired of planning. Seriously, this is my lowest point. EVER. This is record breaking. As the book The Great Gatsby says: “The loneliest moment in someone’s life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly.” Some say this thought is impossible because they claim that you can do things not to let that happen. Let me tell you this: What if your world means a person you really love? Planned your future with this person, spent years together like perfect lifetime partners. There are flaws, but minimal. You loved each other. But one day, this person you love changed, and left you because you’re okay to lose. Now your problem is getting this person back. How would you fucking do that if the person doesn’t want you in his/her life? Worst, you wake up that you are now fucking replaced! And you can’t go for other people to find a lost love because even if you’re trying to, you always go back to that same person, even if you fucking hate it to happen. You just watch your life fall apart right? Because you can’t always have control over your life. See how this life’s so fun?

I can go on with my reasons but this topic makes me vomit. Now back to Charlie. I hope the last scene on the movie happens to me. To feel infinite with the person I could really trust and after so much fun, won’t have the guts to just leave me there. Helpless for the Nth time. I know how dramatic it is to say “I’m always the one being left alone.” But you know, you’ll never  understand how it really feels until you find yourself in there.

MNL 143

A month back, I was lucky to be able to watch a promising film on a rainy evening. I didn’t mind about the distance I traveled from my place going to Bonifacio High Street in Taguig (which is about over an hour to reach from our place), because I really enjoyed watching the film. MNL 143 made a small and meaningful place in my heart.

Spontaneity – that’s what I loved most about the film. Every character in the movie managed to contribute to the rawness and balance of the film. Sad, serious, funny, real – such a great set of characters who, throughout the course of the movie, successfully established Ramil’s character and his issue. Everything is real, especially the characters’ issues. It’s just genius.

Did I, in some ways, able to relate to the movie? No and yes. No, because I am not a driver by profession, and yes because of everything else seems a little similar to what I feel.

Just like Ramil, I worked on my career day and night to get through the day or to a supposed to be “future with someone”. Then everything gets mixed up, the feeling of losing someone you truly valued in your life was also there. At the middle of the day, you just stop and stare, cry for some random memories you want to get off from your mind because hope is a virtue that’s not really on your side at the moment. And a lot more, maybe, soon.

I’ve watched a number of films the past 2 months up to this point. Films that could make me think, or at times could make me sad, or could help me face reality. The life of living alone, that’s what I’m preparing for. If there’s something I learned from this part of my life, it’s that nothing is permanent. Future can be as blurry as your expectations, and trust is something you don’t want to give fully to someone no matter how good they are to you. Because at the end, you could really die without having to save some for yourself.

Yes Or No Thai Film

This is my third time to watch this movie. First is its first half,  second is its second half, then the third is the full blast watching. This is because my work schedule sucks, and maybe because I also loved the movie.

In over a week I kept on watching, researching, and looking for clips of this Thai movie titled Yes or No (… So I Love You). It caught my interest because of its braveness. It is said to be the first lesbian-themed movie shown in Thai commercial theaters.

Based on the interviews, the casts and the production team claims that the responses on their film is positive. I was quite hesitant on the claims at first, but when I searched more videos on YouTube, the comments proved me wrong. Fans from different parts of the world are supporting the movie. Surprisingly some are even claiming they are not gay or lesbian, moreover they are straight, but end up liking the movie. I guess it is because of one idea that was presented perfectly in the film – Love is boundless.

I am not sure if it’s just me, but I saw the film as a fun-to-watch love story. I love to think that this movie gave the viewers the feel of paying attention on the presence of growing appreciation and love between two people (How they started hating each other, how they learn to give chance on knowing each other more, and how they grow together as a person), rather than focusing on the idea of plain lesbian love. If the film’s objective is to show other people that “Love has no boundaries, and it doesn’t depend on gender”, I think this movie got their point, and had it marked.

I loved the movie big time. Though I hoped of seeing a film with a deeper conflict, I think this movie is brewed perfectly for a first commercial lesbian/gay-themed film in Thailand. Yes or No is made for everyone to understand how real love happens and grows between two persons, regardless if they are both of the same gender or not.

Thai-movie wishlist

Alright. So I was lurking on different websites today and found some interesting Thai films I am dying to watch (hard thing: I don’t know where and how can I get a copy, with English subs of course). FYI: I am not Thai, I am a Filipino. But I have this belief that Thai movies are very good.

Anyway, so here’s a set of Thai-movie trailers which got my interest.

First up, Hello Stranger. Basically, the trailer tells the viewers about a story of two strangers who met on a foreign land (and a rom-com film). Judging from the trailer itself, looks like a fun movie to watch.

Next: Crazy Little Thing Called Love. Another fun movie to watch, though this is more of a teen-oriented love story. It’s a story of a not-so-beautiful girl getting the attention of a very good-looking, popular guy. As time flies, the girl went from being a not-so-beautiful to a beautiful girl. Just as the girl’s apprearance, people and situations also changed.

Next Picture: Love of Siam. This is the serious movie on my list. Just watch it. Looks like the storyline is good – the main reason why I get so interested to watch it.

One last: Yes or No. Let’s just say, it’s a typical story of a rom-com. Only that, it involves two girls (well at least the other one is referred to as a tom-girl). This kind of film is not really being created here in the Philippines – reason which made me so into it. A fun, new/fresh (for a Filipino like me), and a gender-sensitive film it is!

There you go. I will try to look for more trailers on the web and share it with you, guys. Now, if you know any link or portal I can visit to watch these, please let me know. That’s it! Tusch. Salamat!