Dear Friend, This Is About Me & Charlie

This week I watched The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I’ve been waiting for this movie since its trailer come out. I did not get excited mainly about the stars (which others did). What I was after is the story, and how the movie gives justice to the book. I am a big fan of the book for a lot of reasons. Maybe one big reason is I, somehow, relate to Charlie’s thoughts.

Conformist. Maybe I am like that most of the time. I am boring, non-sense, the one you wouldn’t really care to lose from your set of friends. Usually I am just there, observing. A wallflower just like Charlie. I don’t really air out my thoughts easily. I usually keep my thoughts to myself as long as I can, or maybe until the need “to air out” arises. It’s not my way to ask help with things happening around me. Maybe because it’s not easy for me to trust. See right now, I have  lot of friends: Close friends, office friends, highscool and college friends. But if you ask me who among these people know the deepest thoughts I have, maybe I can’t name even a single one.

I once found someone whom I trust. But just like Charlie’s friends, they need to go to do things for themselves. I really want this person to stay but changes need to happen. I always thought we were on the same page at a certain phase, but I was wrong. I am just there, good as a spare tire maybe. Like I said, I am a kind of person you wouldn’t care to lose from the list of important people in your life. These things, I don’t really know why I’m saying it here. Maybe because I just need to air it out. Too bad I don’t have a “person whom I could really trust.” I need to tell these maybe because it’s too much for me already, and here it is, the need “to air out” arise.

You may find this thing bullshit you know. I mean, you may say “Why is this person telling about trust, but anyways air out her thoughts on a blog?” Yeah, I know. But you know the feeling of being “real” in a crowd you barely know and you don’t have emotional attachment with? The feeling that it’s easier to tell things you kept for a while to yourself to these people, than tell things to those people you knew well and give them trust that they can, someday, break and hurt you. And when I say hurt, you just want to kill yourself because you are having too much  of it. Again, just like Charlie.

Typing this whole crap without crying is difficult you know. But I’m trying. And off we go.

I’m living my life one day at a time. That means, I may have plans for the future but maybe good for the next 3 months. Let me share to you one thing. One day, as I was walking in a mall, an insurance agent approached me. So a few questions went on and we sat down for few get to know stuff (which bored and pissed me a lot. I am so pissed, I was really rude answering her questions. Anyways…) One the things the agent asked me to do is to put 5 things I need to have or I hope to accomplish in 5 to 10 years (I somehow like that my memory sucks, but I think the activity is something like that). She gave me five minutes, then went on to ten or more because out of  5 things, I was only able to put 2. That is to have a car or a house, and to be fucking rich. She asked me why I only have 2, and started to fish out answers from me. I don’t know if it’s her or the topic which got to my nerves, but I just apologized for not being interested, and I walk off. That is the most non-sense one hour of my life. Why do people always tell me to have plans for my future? Can’t they just accept the fact that I don’t have plans? I have few reasons which may sound alibis to some, but this reasons really matters to me. Let’s see…  Maybe I can say some.

One. Ever since I have proven that I don’t matter to most people, I started to living my life one day at a time. Less expectations, less chance of hurting myself. Plain and simple.

Two. I don’t really dream of living a long life. It’s hard to go on with life without someone whom you could really trust and be happy with, you know. Once an old man told me that smoking takes away something minutes of your life, blahblahblah… something sticks a day. He told that to me while I was smoking. I was just, “C’mon man I really want to spit on your face! Seriously? Telling that to me like my dad? Hello! What would you do if I smoke pot in your face?” People like this, they need to have a sense of privacy, and sensitivity. It should be: I don’t know you old man, you don’t know me either. Let’s not make our day bad, because I already got an overdose of bad days. Just give this fucking smoking time to me.

Three. I got so much of life’s shit. I got tired of planning. Seriously, this is my lowest point. EVER. This is record breaking. As the book The Great Gatsby says: “The loneliest moment in someone’s life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly.” Some say this thought is impossible because they claim that you can do things not to let that happen. Let me tell you this: What if your world means a person you really love? Planned your future with this person, spent years together like perfect lifetime partners. There are flaws, but minimal. You loved each other. But one day, this person you love changed, and left you because you’re okay to lose. Now your problem is getting this person back. How would you fucking do that if the person doesn’t want you in his/her life? Worst, you wake up that you are now fucking replaced! And you can’t go for other people to find a lost love because even if you’re trying to, you always go back to that same person, even if you fucking hate it to happen. You just watch your life fall apart right? Because you can’t always have control over your life. See how this life’s so fun?

I can go on with my reasons but this topic makes me vomit. Now back to Charlie. I hope the last scene on the movie happens to me. To feel infinite with the person I could really trust and after so much fun, won’t have the guts to just leave me there. Helpless for the Nth time. I know how dramatic it is to say “I’m always the one being left alone.” But you know, you’ll never  understand how it really feels until you find yourself in there.

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