A Letter To Myself

Forgive me for posting this kind of content on my blog. I know it’s “emo-ish” but I just need this.

Dear self after 5 years,

I hope you are doing good now – Successful career, warm love of family, and a fixed self. You’ve come a long way from being a simple high school kid to a person who has a better understanding in life. Life sucks if you would let it suck you, but it’s not that easy not to get yourself sucked – That’s a proven fact of life.

I’ve known you too well. No one or nothing can ever hurt you than being hurt by someone you really love. Being hurt by them highlights the fact that a big part of you could only depend on yourself, may that be in terms of happiness, love, hardships and disappointment. Despite of it all, I always admire your courage to love, regardless of boundaries and uncertainty. You love someone, spend years together but always comes down to an end. It happened twice, and I understand it’s a big downer but feeling loved is the best thing one could ever have.

Remember the time you realized that the person you’re with is the same person you stalked one afternoon after your class? That person is not even enrolled yet on your school, but then after a few months you just happened to know you are already dating. That was just amazing. Somehow you thought that it was fate that brought you together, and sticking on that idea made you believe that this relationship is something that should happen. And yes it happened, but also ended.

One night while I am trying to sleep after the day’s work, I realized that this room I am into is the same place you spent your best and worst days together with the one you love. I remember you both spending the afternoon together watching movies, or plainly talking about gossips on people you both know or on celebrities. Then I decided to pan on my right. I saw a picture of the two of you smiling while riding a bicycle in the city where you found each other. You looked both very happy. Then I panned on my left. It was a yellow wall – your love’s favorite color. Then I decided to go down to the living room to spend the night and sleep.

Upon waking up, I am staring on this mid-sized mirror while brushing my teeth. It reminded me of another thing again. I smiled, put my head down, and walked out. Too many memories, and it worries me of you.

I know you kept a lot of good memories together, but I hope you have started putting all those memories in a temporary safe case part of your brain, and trashed all the bad ones. I hope you also have tried placing them all in that area, cherish them and keep the keys safe, so that whatever happens, may it be a severe loss of memory or whatever, you have some happy thoughts to remember and prove that you live a real life and that you experienced to love and be loved.

In five long years, two years would be better, I really hope you have made yourself fixed – No pretensions, no denials, no arcade games to cover all these things up, just happiness.

Love,
Pau (2011 )

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